Lessons I've Learned From the Life of My Son V

My October baby. Buck in a parade, age 3

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Westbrook Elementary Balloon Release
in Buck's Memory

Six years ago today, October 30, 2011, Thomas and I were invited to Westbrook Elementary School for a memorial in honor of Buck. Just ten days had passed since the wreck and this was our first time back to the school. It would've been Buck's 9th birthday. All of the 3rd-grade kids and teachers gathered outside. We were told we could say anything we wanted to these precious children who were missing their friend very much. What an opportunity God gave us that day! We did not take it lightly. I honestly cannot remember everything I said, but I do remember one thing specifically. "Buck isn't gone forever, he has moved. He moved so far away that it's just too far to go visit, but one day we can all go and live where he is!" #seedsofredemption

The school principal was so kind and spoke to the children. "After a week of listening to you talk about Buck, here are the top 5 things you all said about him."

1. He was a good friend
2. He was good at football
3. He helped me with my schoolwork
4. He made me laugh
5. He talked about heaven

She then turned to me and Thomas and said, "We the teachers and children of this school, commit to continue Buck's legacy and do the things he did. We want them to continue on!" Way to go son. #makeadifference

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Fall conference, 2009, God had laid a message on my heart for the ladies. As I began my opening remarks, I noticed Buck slowly coming up the side of the platform. You could hear the "aaaaawe's" ripple across the crowd as he was carrying a bouquet of roses. I turned and leaned down very happily accepting the unexpected gift. "Thank you Son!" I grinned and hugged him. He half smiled, slightly shrugged and then said, "It was dad's idea!" LOL! #honestyisalwaysbest #somestimesitshilarious

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We have all had family members pass away and we remember the last words we said to them. I certainly think about that, but more than that, I like to dwell on what my first words will be when I see them again! Buck is in my past, but he’s also in my future. At any moment Jesus could come back and take us all to heaven to be together forever. Every day I live in expectancy of that moment. When I think about that reunion day, I recall a special memory I have with my son. It was bedtime two nights before the wreck.

Buck and I had a pretty regular routine of reading out of a “chapter book” and then his Bible or kids devotional book. We would then pray and usually I would put on some music for him to go to sleep by. Now Buck was a big boy for his 8 almost 9 years and he loved playing rough tough football, but he was a big teddy bear that still wanted to snuggle occasionally. It wasn’t uncommon when I had turned on his music, for him to ask me to lay down with him for a little bit. Sometimes I would and other times I wouldn’t. It wasn’t that I didn’t want to, but more than once I’d fallen asleep and woke up at like 3 a.m., dishes and laundry etc., undone, but that was ok too.

Well on this particular Tuesday night he made his request and I agreed. Just as I lay down, he cuddled up to me, all comfy. When we were settled in nice and still Buck sighed and whispered, “I wish this moment would never end.”  I smiled to myself contentedly and had to agree it felt pretty perfect.

So one day soon I’ll see Buck again and with a smile, I’ll say, “Son, this moment will never end!”  #togetherforever

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“For the Lord Himself shall descend from heaven with a shout, with the voice of the archangel, and with the trump of God: and the dead in Christ shall rise first: Then we which are alive and remain shall be caught up together with them in the clouds, to meet the Lord in the air: and so shall we ever be with the Lord. Wherefore comfort one another with these words.”

I Thessalonians 4:16 & 17

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I have to end today's blog with a smile!! #multitask

Lessons I've Learned From the Life of My Son IV

Easter 2011

Sunday morning, December 2, 2012. I woke up that morning thinking about my mom and dad. It was the two year anniversary of my brothers passing and I knew I needed to call them sometime that day. My mom and I both had two girls and a boy, only her son was born first and mine had been the baby. We both had lost our sons within 10 months of each other, so we had walked the road of grief together. My brother Monte had suffered from cancer and went home at age 49. Too Soon.

Me and my Brother Monte

Monte had been restless on that last night and slipped out of bed onto the floor. My dad had picked him up and laid him back in bed. As he did, my brother passed on to heaven. When dad told us about it, Thomas said, "Monte went to sleep in his earthly father's arms and woke up in his heavenly Father's arms!" No truer words have been spoken. So my mind was filled with thoughts of loved ones and heaven as I went into my quiet time on that Sunday morning. I was reading a daily devotional by Billy Graham that year. As the Lord would have it, on this particular day the scriptures and reading were all about heaven! God just filled up my heart through His Word and Spirit.

All of the sudden, I remembered I had had a dream the night before! In the middle of the night I had gotten up for a moment and as I laid back down and closed my eyes, there was a bright light shining down on me. I remember thinking, how can it be so bright in here when my eyes are closed and it's still dark outside?!

Buck, 2010

As I looked up into the light, there was Buck, waaaay up there, smiling down at me. He was standing like he used to at first base with his hands on his knees. He looked just like a picture I had taken of him wearing two of his favorite things. His "Sherman Mountain Boy's hat" (as he called it) and his baseball cleats. The "Sherms" as we affectionately called them were Buck's favorite singing group. He would crank their CD in the front yard while playing catch. Buck would often sing the words to his favorite song they sang, "...don't you wanna be a servant of the good God Almighty, don't you want to go to heaven when you die?..."  So here he was looking down at me with that huge grin. Then he cupped his hands over his mouth and hollered, "Mom! Hurry! Hurry up and come! It's Awesome! Your gonna LOVE it!" All I could do was smile back up at him and that was it.... Wow. Thank You Lord for reminding me of the dream and for giving me that glimpse into eternity!! Truly heaven was going to be Awesome, cause if Buck said so, it definitely was!!

It was about time to get ready to go, but I had to call mom and dad first and share my devotion and the dream. What a Blessing! On the way to church I told Thomas, "If Pastor preaches about heaven, I'm just going to be raptured today!" Wouldn't you know it?! His text was from 1 Corinthians 15 which is about believers rising from the dead. "Oh death where is thy sting, oh grave where is your victory?" I was definitely ready for the rapture then! After we took communion I couldn't hold it in any longer. I asked Pastor if I could share something and I told the congregation about my dream. What rejoicing! We got it, son. #heavenisawesome

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Mother's Day weekend 2008. I was speaking in El Dorado, Ar., and our whole family went. We arrived in town on Saturday night and went out to eat with friends. They gave us our choice of where to go, but we didn't care where. They suggested a new place in town, a Cajun restaurant. It was awesome and so was the visit. Sunday lunch the next day there was some debate about where to go because probably every restaurant would be packed. Someone suggested a new Cajun restaurant?! They didn't know we had been there the night before, but again, it didn't matter to us.

When we got in the car, Our oldest daughter, Jenel, gave Buck some well-needed instructions. (She was a Sophomore and Buck was in Kindergarten.) "Now Buck, we are going to the same restaurant that we went to last night, but it's ok! When we get there don't say, 'We ate here last night! I had this to eat already!'" She nicely encouraged him that it was no big deal. We didn't want to make the people feel bad who were taking us out! I can still see Buck as we stepped into the restaurant. He very obviously looked alllll around, while nodding his head up and down, and in a loud, over exaggerated voice (emphasizing every word) he declared, "This is a nice restaurant!!" As if he had never been there before! It was very hard to hold in the laughter! #alwaysbegracious

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Buck with  his two sisters, Jenel & Lexa

One week before the accident, Lexa asked Buck if he would come to Elevate and quote some Bible verses and answer JBQ (Junior Bible Quiz) questions for the students. Elevate was a Christian club that met during lunch once a week. Anyone could attend of course, "Christian" or not.  Buck was excited about getting out of class for an hour and he did love JBQ! He started getting nervous though when the room began to fill up. A lot of students showed up that day and many of them were big football players. Buck was getting nervous. "Lex, I don't think I can do this!"  Lexa was ready with the pep talk! "Come on Buck, it's time to man up and do something for God!" He had his head down on the table, "I don't know if I can do it!" Lexa knew he could be bribed. "Buck, I'll give you a Dr. Pepper and all the pizza you can eat!" "I'll do it!" Buck quickly replied. #dohardthings

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Beautiful picture painted by our friend,
Caitlyn Robillard, 2016

I remember a few months after the wreck taking a little "poll" on Facebook. "If you had a canvas with a beautiful scene of heaven on it, what would the caption be?" I got several good responses. There were encouraging phrases posted that included words like, Faith, Hope, and Joy. A lot of scripture verses were also suggested. One day I was still thinking on it when I asked Thomas. "What would you  put on there, Babe?" He thought for just a moment and then said, "Two words, We Win!" That's right Babe. No matter what, We Win! We are winners in Christ. That was truly the Best suggestion ever!

I must say how Thomas' words impacted me! We were in a very low season, yet without hesitation he reminded me of our place in Christ. I recall that conversation with a smile for many reasons, not the least of which is that he gave me a classic "man answer". He summed up the end of our whole life's struggles in just two words. Straight to the point, this is the bottom line! I LOVED it! #wewin

"For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present, nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord."  Romans 8:38-39

~Bucks last JBQ verses to memorize.

Lessons I've Learned From the Life of My Son III

Buck (8) with cousin Chase (5).  October 2011

It was halftime, Monday night, October 16th, 2011. Football season was in full swing and Buck had been playing the whole game. I looked across the field and saw that Buck was doubled over and leaning on a light post. Thomas went over to see if he was sick. Sure enough,  he was "losing his lunch" right there on the sidelines. After about the third or fourth hurl, Buck raised up, wiped his mouth and declared, "Man am I hungry!!" LOL! Well, I guess so, but let's focus on feeling better first before you go filling up that belly again! That was the thing about Buck, he would say the most unexpected things. Once when Lexa had played a tough basketball game and lost, he quoted her a phrase she really didn't want to hear just then. "Praise Him if we win, praise Him if we lose." This was straight from one of his favorite movies, Facing the Giants. Now if I'm making Buck out to be perfect, he definitely wasn't! Again, it was his perspective on things that made him the boy he was.

On my birthday in August of that same year, the kids gave me an incredibly unique floor length mirror. It was Jenel's idea for them to choose and paint names or words around the border that described me. Buck insisted on putting the reference Acts 1:8. Jenel tried to explain, "Buck I know that is your favorite verse, but this is supposed to be things that describe Mom." "I know", Buck replied, "but every day when Mom looks in the mirror, I want her to remember to be a witness!"  And you can believe that I do! #thanksforthereminderson

    

When Buck was around 3, I asked him what he was going to be when he grew up. He said, "I'm thinking on...A Superhero! Not such an unusual response from a little boy, but Buck grew up thinking about it. Maybe he just wanted to try to prove how big and strong he could be, but he was definitely a helper who looked out for the younger and smaller ones around him.

Christmas 2009, Granddad and Grandmother Carpenter gave Buck a Super Heroes Bible. It was his favorite. On a trip the following summer, Buck read most all of the Power Surge verses to me and had me write them down in a notebook so he could have them all together. We frequently talked about the "superheroes" in the Bible who were just ordinary people doing awesome things with God's help.

A couple of months before the wreck, Buck experienced the touch of God in a very special way. He cried and prayed in the Spirit for nearly an hour. I wrote in my journal that night, Buck was born at just the right time to fulfill his purpose in life.

Buck & Nelma, August 2011

I believe without a doubt one of those purposes were fulfilled the day he went home. While riding with his Grandmother and three of his cousins, the brakes went out as they approached a traffic light. Nelma warned the kids to hang on. Buck instinctively turned and wrapped his arms around his younger cousin Chase. We are so thankful he did. The paramedics said if he had not done so, we would have had another fatality that day. #redemptionbegan

On a personal note, I must say what a blessing Mama Nel was to my life. We were already friends when she introduced me to her son Thomas. I'm so glad she did!

Mama Nel had a dream six months before the accident that I gave her Buck. In a sense, I did.

It was a strange comfort that they went to heaven together. What a precious gift she was to all of us!!

Buck with cousins, Chase, Cami & Izzy.
Picture taken about 30 minutes before the accident.

We received a large cross in a plant arrangement given in Buck's memory. I took it home and set it where I could see it. The Lord began to speak to me specifically about the cross and what He did for me through His redemption. I began to see redemption as a beautiful exchange. It started at salvation. I gave Jesus my sin, sadness, fear, trouble...my mess!! In exchange, He has given me hope, peace, joy, life everlasting and so much more!

Yet, it doesn't end there! Redemption continues throughout my whole life, with every situation I may face. If we willingly give Him our sickness, pain, worry, grief, disappointment, (and the list goes on) our loving Savior always gives us something better in return. His mercies, courage, strength, healing, contentment...and the list goes on!! This is the part that I really had not engrafted into my everyday life. Jesus wants to redeem every difficult situation I face! Redemption can be a daily experience, not just a one time prayer of salvation.

The Lord gave me the idea of the "pieces" of our life, some dark and painful, others bright and happy. I decided to put pieces of cloth on Buck's cross to represent all these times in my life and how Jesus' redemption continues.

A fresh perspective on Redemption may be the greatest lesson I have learned from the life of my son. I have continued to practice this "beautiful exchange" these past 6 years and Jesus so graciously continues to give me just what I need from His endless supply. #redemptionwinseverytime

Redemption is Jesus taking the pieces of my life, the beautiful and the broken, to create something of worth for His Glory!  "Put your hope in the LORD, for with the LORD is unfailing love and with Him is full redemption!"  Psalm 130:7

Lessons I've Learned From the Life of My Son II

My love is like a circle, never ending. ~ Buck

    

Notes, Quotes, Prayers & Jokes; A Hodgepodge of Memories

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Many times throughout 2011, I felt a change was coming. I remember driving around our little community and considering moving. I even called a realtor and looked at a house. God, what is it? Are we moving? Changing ministries? I couldn't put my finger on it. Late that summer I fasted for a week seeking the Lord. I found myself on the last day in Buck's room on my knees, praying for some kind of an answer. The Lord's gentle reply was, "Trust Me!"


Just 8 days before the wreck my journal entry reflected what I had felt all year long.

"I don't want to be led by fears, failures or 'facts', but lead me by Your TRUTH! In times of Uncertainty, Lord You are Certain. In times of Question, Lord You are The Answer. In times of Weakness, Lord You are My Strength. In times of Sickness, The Healer. In times of Fear, Peace. In times of Change, Lord You are The Same! Truly God was preparing me for Buck's homegoing. His passing has taught me more about trusting in God that I would never have learned any other way. I have gone back to this journal entry many times and it is still true today. #youhaveproventobesotrustworthy

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Have your kids ever used your words against you? ;-) Maybe they repeat something you said and then you have to back peddle because that wasn't the way you meant it. This happened to me on a random Sunday night when just Buck and I were attending our home church. The offering was about to be taken and Buck turned to me for some cash. I reached into my wallet. I had a 20 and a one dollar bill. I knew that 20 was saved back for something specific so I grabbed the one. (I'll just add that this wasn't a special offering for a fundraiser or anything like that.) Buck immediately protested! "Mom! You always say, Give God your best!" Oh, he had me! There was no way we were giving just a dollar! I handed him the 20 and he couldn't wait for the usher to come by! As he slam dunked the 20 in the bag, with a huge grin he looked at the usher and quite loudly exclaimed, "It's a 20 dollar bill!!" #alwaysgiveGodyourbest #carefuloryourkidswillquoteyou

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When Buck was in the second grade he struggled with a playground bully. By struggle, I mean he would come home concerned about how this boy was treating the younger and smaller boys. "Paul" was two years older and pretty much had his way at recess. He didn't mess with Buck because they were about the same size and Buck would stand up to him on behalf of the other kids. One night at bedtime Buck said, "Mom, Paul is at it again!" I tried to encourage him & then I prayed something fairly generic I guess because when I ended Buck looked right at me and said, "Can I add to that?"

"Yes!! Of Course! You pray buddy!" He said one phrase that has stuck with me ever since. He didn't have to think about it. This was on his mind already! "Lord, please make Paul a mighty warrior for You! Amen." BOOM! Now that's the prayer to pray! What a better solution for a bully than for him to become mighty for Jesus! Out of the mouths of babes, ie mouth of Buck! #bulliescanbecomewarriorsforGod

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Oppelo, Arkansas, May 10, 2009

I had been asked to speak for Mother's Day and the whole family went with me. We were sitting in the sanctuary as the kids came out from Sunday School. Buck saw us sitting up front and joined us. About that time a little girl Buck's age came happily out and sat down not too far from him. She looked his way and smiled. Buck wasn't rude, but he didn't pay her any attention. Before long she hopped up and went on her merry way.

When she did, Jenel spoke up, "Buck, I think she likes you!" No!" he immediately replied. "Pretty girls don't like fat boys!!" Aawwwwe...

Jenel wanted to encourage him. "Buck, dad's fat and mom likes him!" Again, Buck had a quick reply, "Doesn't count! Mom's fat too!"

#speakthetruthinlove #notreallyajoke

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 Thank you, friends, for taking the time to read this blog and letting me share what's in my heart.  #redemptioncontinues

Lessons I've Learned From the Life of My Son I

Buck, August 2011

                                                                 
It was a Thursday. October 20, 2011, our son, Tommy Aaron Buck, passed away in a car accident. He was ten days from being 9 years old. Two weeks prior, the Lord had prompted me to write my experiences of the things God's Spirit had taught me through the life of my son.  Many times during Buck's young life when I would be having a simple teaching moment with him, the Lord would turn the tables and apply the same principle in my own life spiritually. Other times I found the Lord testing my level of obedience, and again, Buck would be the example.

In those early years I wondered why the Lord didn't do this with our girls. They were certainly taught and trained just as our son was. Yet of course, God knew the future. He knew we wouldn't always have Buck with us. He knew these "life lessons" would help me remember my son and the things he said and did, even his funny quirks. It has helped to ease the pain knowing there are things I'll always have with me in my heart and spirit, even though I don't physically have Buck with me now.  Not long after the wreck the Lord told me Buck would help me for the rest of my life. I couldn't comprehend all the ways, but the life lessons continue to this day.

For starters, I want to share three instances when God really got my attention.

                                                          

Easter 2005, Preacher man

One night when Buck was about 3, I encouraged him to go get ready for bed. He continued to play. We had been down this road before and his defense for not obeying had been, "I didn't hear you!"

I decided this time would be different. "Hey Buck, eyeball me!" He looked up at me. "I know you can hear me because you are looking at me! :) Now, go brush your teeth." "Yes Ma'am." Still no attempt to get up. "Buck, first time! Do it the first time I ask you please!" Immediately I felt that gentle but undeniable nudge of God's Spirit on the inside of me. Wow Angelia. Sure do wish you would keep your eyes on Me!  Sure wish you would obey Me the first time I ask you to do something! Ouch!! Now that hit home and it wasn't comfortable.

It was not too long after that, on a Saturday, I was at home taking care of the bills. Thomas was out that day and Jenel and Lexa were at the church for a kids activity. Buck was really too young to attend, but he begged to be with his sisters so I let him go. We lived right next door to the church with only the parking lot in between. I could hear the kids playing outside. In the middle of my work, I felt a sudden need to go check on Buck. I had looked out the window more than once and could see everyone having fun. I'll go after I write this check.... Go now! After I do this one more thing...Now! I put my pen down and walked behind the church to where the kids were.  I saw the girls, but no Buck. No one knew where he had gone. I opened the back door of the church and immediately I could hear Buck calling for help. I followed his voice and found him in the sanctuary trapped under the drum set he had caused to fall over on him. He wasn't really hurt, but very panicked. There was no way he could get himself free. God had said, Go. Go Now! Why did I hesitate?

Buck helping daddy with his bow.

This third example of obedience got my attention the most. I have replayed it over & over in my mind considering what the outcome could have easily been had I not listened and obeyed. It was an early fall Saturday morning. The girls and I were headed out to do some shopping. Buck was in the back yard with his daddy watching him target practice with the bow. I walked around to let them know we were headed out. Buck looked so cute that day I went back in quickly and grabbed my camera. Thomas and I took turns holding Buck and taking pictures in front of a tree. We said our goodbyes and I went around and got in the vehicle. The girls were already in and waiting on me. Our only vehicle at that time was our huge Dodge truck.  Just as I started it up, I felt as though I should get out. Why? I had just gotten in. I put it in reverse...get out of the truck. I had no idea why, but I put it back in park and opened the door. I took two steps and to my shock I saw Buck standing behind the truck. My heart sank and I began to shake. First time, Angelia.

Time for a quick pic! Smile!

For me, keeping my eyes on Jesus also means staying sensitive to his voice. We listen with our heart and walk out our obedience by submitting our own will to His. Just as parents we train our children because we love them, even so our heavenly Father loves us and will guide us in the best way if we will only listen and obey. He always has the better plan!!

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Buck's Definition of How to Follow God (PDF)

About three months before the accident we were in church on a Sunday night. Buck liked to "take notes" during the sermon so I gave him a notebook. Our pastor had just gotten started when Buck whispered to me, "does follow have one or two l's?" "Two", I whispered back. He quickly wrote Follow God down the side of his paper. Now Buck could write nicely if he wanted to. He was a little like his mama and just wouldn't slow down long enough to be neat! But hey, when the inspiration is flowing, you gotta get it down before you forget! ;) Before pastor was done with his message, Buck had completed his. Each phrase came from his own heart, he hadn't asked anymore questions and this was not the sermon I was listening to! I'll be honest, as a mom I was blessed by the words my 8 year old son had written! He had experienced each one of these phrases in his young walk with Jesus. It must be pointed out how he added the arrow beside the phrases with the two l's.  After a second thought he decided you better love God first! Good call buddy! #Lordmyeyesareonyou #firsttimeobedience